The Disappointment Gutter

After the tiring Monday spent only to go from one city to another and then another, I got my 7 hour sleep. But, today began with a rainy morning and cloudy sky. My mood was no different than the sky. How I wished I didn't have to go to work today but I knew I can't avoid it. My agenda in my mind is full. I had to, at least, get two of them done.

Thankfully the trip was alright. I enjoyed the ride very much under the rain. A cleaning staff offered me a shade and I happily took it. Some people were waiting near the auditorium and they asked whether I'd made that yell-yell. I, of course, hadn't. A short message to my staff was only replied on the day I had that trip. I was not around on Monday. Thinking that someone would take care of it (assuming this is for everybody to be concerned about) was too demanding. At least for this group of people. They relied on me. Unfortunately, I couldn't rely on myself today.

I signed two bank checks, put about 20 signatures on some documents and sat at my table feeling drowsy. And it's not even 20 minutes of my office time. No time to waste, I googled the songs I needed for the yell-yell project. In the middle of doing that, there was a neon box design I have to approve to increase the public awareness of our branch.

A staff visited my room to ask about this marketing project procedures. A week had passed after our last discussion on this and I am sorry that I made another wrong assumption. Is it intelligence? Is it willingness? Is it personal drive? For the sake of maintaining that positive perspective, I left the questions un-answered.

Some more people made their 'visits', I answered all but now I can't remember a single answer I gave. Weird. I worked with my mouth actively speaking but blanks spots were all in my head. Perhaps I said some things I didn't mean? Well, it's too late now. Besides, I am in my amnesia mode. The worst of its kind.

The last person who sat in front of me was my boss. You know what they say, 'The last but not the least ....' The news she broke to me left me in awe. Talk about being impulsive. I thought, out of so many people, this group of people should have known better about giving chances and being patient. That term 'delayed gratification' is something applicable in so many ways. That to make any decision, one should consider not only the result but also the process.

Let's talk about facts here. In three years, the office phone number was not registered in the country's yellow page network. The sign box has been broken for more than two years. The lobby wall's condition almost caused an electricity problem due to fungus! There hadn't been any internal sharing program in months. The number of students went down almost periodically by the term. There was no chance for the officers to develop themselves. The office equipment maintenance was in a wreck. Salary was the only thing the staff could rely on every month.

In six months, there has been countless phones asking about our programs and proposals to offer. There will be new lights for the sign box and a new neon box to put our telephone number and blog (aha! now we also have a blog!) there. The building is in its prime condition with pots of plants everywhere. There has been a sharing program just to keep the teachers' presentation skills. I want them to have their self-confidence and pride as teachers one day, sooner or later. In the 3rd term when the income usually drops, the number of students decreased by only 1.5% this term, unlike the previous terms with 10 - 15%. Officers have had their chances to have their tour of duty at least once or more (some even three times) for the last 6 months. Some operating procedures have been revised. More income from small classes and some staff could get their extras as a marketing reward for them.

For a workplace this small with a performance track record that the people themselves is not very proud of, achieving those small goals is something. Now, they are more enthusiastic about the office projects. They have their sense of belonging. They show it by donating some plants from home. They learn to be more systematic, more efficient and more customer-oriented. They've become more helpful to customers. They are more open-minded. They have seen what people in other places are capable of. They want to move forward.

To expect more changes to happen for the morale of these people takes years just as the years and years went by shaping them to be who they were six months ago. What can six months do? Just an incidental change perhaps. I want a long lasting change. I want to make them independent. What I want is 'them' who can be the survivors in any situation and initiators no matter who their leaders will be, what situation they deal with. When that dream is reached, money or income or whatever it is follows. It should be something that they all can be proud of as the result of their own efforts.

But, reality bites. Judging from the way my superior received the news, it's more than just office gossips. It's top down, it remains vague as for the 'when' and the 'how'. This news is a good way to make them fall down in the deepest disappointment gutter. I know I have.